Short answer from Ben, the Family IT Guy
It's never too late for positive change. If your child already has a phone, game or app you're worried about, you can change your family's approach. That can be harder than setting limits from the start. I'd explain what I've learned and why I want to change our approach, listen to my child, and change my own habits too. I'd also plan to replace the technology we're taking away with other things my child can do, including time together.
Why I took my son's iPad away
Plenty of families read a guide like this after the phone, the game or the app is already in their child's hands. I was one of them. When my kid was six, I gave him an iPad and put YouTube on it. I thought the iPad parental controls and some basic guidelines on YouTube would let us navigate it safely. That wasn't the case. I was wrong.
Within a couple of days, he'd found inappropriate things on YouTube. I took it off and gave him YouTube Kids instead. It had "kids" in the name, and I entered his age, so I expected it to filter what he saw. It didn't. Some of what it showed him gave him nightmares for years, and some of it was sexual, like videos of superheroes having sex with each other.
I took YouTube Kids off too. He still had a couple of racing games on the iPad. They weren't connected to the internet and didn't have chat. But he still thought about the iPad all the time. He woke up earlier to get to it and tried to go to sleep later so he could use it. After school, he used to go straight across the street to one of his best friends. Instead, he started coming home and going to the iPad.
I realized those were signs of addiction. So I took the iPad away and explained to him why. It took a couple of months before he stopped feeling so drawn to it.
Start with your own habits
Before asking my child to change, I'd look at my own use of technology. If I'm asking them to put their device away at dinner or charge it outside the bedroom, I'd do that too. I'd want them to see the change in my behavior.
I'd also let them see me work on a goal. For example, I could choose one meal when we all put our phones in another room. If I find it hard to stick to, I'd tell them and keep working on it.
Explain the change and listen
I'd explain what I expected when I gave them the device or app, what I've since learned, and what will change. I'd ask what they like about it and what they're worried about losing, then listen to their answers.
My child may be angry or disappointed. I'd acknowledge that and stay available to talk, while keeping a limit I believe is right. I want them to understand the decision and know they can still come to me for help.
Choose what to change
I'd start with the device, app or habit I'm most worried about. That could mean removing an app, changing where a device can be used, or putting the device away. I'd choose a specific change to work on and reconsider the other parts of our family's technology use as we go.
Replace the technology with something else to do
When I limit or take away a device or app, I also need to help my child find something else to do. I'd ask what they'd like to do, then help make it possible. That might mean arranging time with friends in person, going outside together, or making time and space for a hobby they enjoy.
I'd spend some of that time with my child, put my own phone away, and pay attention to what they want to talk about or do. Some of that time can simply be quiet time together, without a device.