Short answer from Ben, the Family IT Guy
If my child asks for a phone, app or game because their friends have it, I'd listen to what they feel they're missing and help them understand why we've chosen our limits. I'd help them stay connected with friends and find other families making similar choices. My child may still be unhappy with a "no" or "not yet." I can take their feelings seriously and keep the limit.
Take the social pressure seriously
A school resource officer told me that at the middle school where he works, everybody has a phone. When a child says "everyone has one," it may be close to true among the people they spend time with.
A child who doesn't have what their friends use can get made fun of or feel left out. It's easier for us as parents to shrug that off than for the child who has to face it at school. I'd want to understand what is happening to my child before explaining my decision.
Explain why your family made its decision
There may not be a phone, app or game that both fits your family's values and lets your child do exactly what their friends are doing. Saying "no" or "not yet" can be a deliberate trade-off you make to protect your child's safety and mental health.
Our job as parents is to raise kids who are useful and valuable to the people in their lives, and sometimes that means skipping something other families do. You're parenting your kid, not their friends, and that can make you the weird family.
On my podcast with Dr. Carrie Mackensen, she talked about acknowledging a child's feelings while still holding the boundary. I agreed that keeping our word matters. I'd listen if my child says they feel left out or angry with me, and make clear that the decision comes from care for them. They don't have to be happy with the answer for me to keep a limit I believe is right for our family.
I'd explain the concern behind our decision in words my child can understand. It can also help to hear the explanation from someone besides the parent. One dad I know showed his son a video in which I explained my concerns about Roblox. Afterward, his son didn't want to play Roblox anymore. The explanation didn't have to come from his dad.
Help your child spend time with their friends
On my podcast with Mike McLeod, he described children becoming more socially involved after their families removed phones and social apps. His experience challenges the assumption that an app is necessary for friendship.
I'd look for things my child can do with friends, ideally in person. That might mean inviting them over or arranging an activity together. I'd want them to practice having conversations, listening and noticing how their words affect someone else. Voice calls also give them a chance to hear someone's tone and respond as they talk.
For older teens, texting can help them stay connected between visits and calls, including sharing how they're doing. I'd want that alongside regular time together and live conversation.
For school or team announcements, I'd ask whether the information can come by text or email. Another option is for a parent to check the app and pass along what the child needs to know. A school, team or club sending messages through an app doesn't by itself mean my child needs that app.
Talk with other parents
When my child visits a friend's house, I'd tell the parents our family's limits, such as no YouTube. That can feel awkward with someone you've just met. I'd say it in a friendly way and explain why if they ask. I wouldn't assume they already know about the concerns that led us to that decision.
I'd also talk with parents at my child's school or in our neighborhood to find families who share our values. In person is best, and online helps too. When children have friends whose families chose the same limits, they're not the only ones going without that phone or app. That can make the social pressure easier to handle. I'd look for that support without criticizing families who made a different decision with the information they have.