The Challenge of Device Control
One of the most significant challenges that parents face in today's digital world is managing what content their children can access when they're outside the home. You might have perfectly configured your home network, locked down your children's devices, and established clear rules—but what happens when your children visit a friend whose home has no such protections?
When your children are at friends' houses, they suddenly have access to:
- Other people's devices and computers
- Other people's smartphones
- Other families' Wi-Fi systems with possibly no filtering
- Different house rules around technology use
Even if you've followed my iPhone setup guide and your child's device is completely locked down, they can easily access unrestricted content on a friend's open device or unrestricted network.
Why There's No Technical Solution
Let's be completely honest about this challenging reality: There is no technical solution for controlling what your children can access when they're using other people's devices and networks.
You can only control:
- The devices you own
- The network in your home
- The rules within your household
You cannot control:
- Other families' devices
- Other homes' internet connections
- Rules and expectations in other households
This is why relying solely on technical solutions to keep kids safe online is insufficient. Technology filters and controls are important tools, but they're just one part of a comprehensive approach to digital safety.
The Importance of Behavior Modeling
Since we can't rely on technical solutions alone, behavior modeling becomes one of the primary ways to keep children safe online. Our children learn how to engage with technology by watching us.
Consider how you model technology use:
- How often are you looking at screens while you have other people in front of you, especially your children?
- Do you bring your phone into your bedroom at night, or do you charge it in a common area?
- How do you practice self-control with your own device usage?
- How do you analyze and discuss potential online risks with your family?
These behavior modeling strategies take the longest time to have an effect, but they're essential for developing children who make wise choices even when no one is watching. When your children are at a friend's house with unrestricted internet access, their internal compass—developed through your consistent example—will guide their decisions.
- According to the American Psychological Association, teens are spending nearly 5 hours daily on social media, which has been linked to various mental health outcomes.
- The FBI reported a 20% increase in financially motivated sextortion incidents involving minors from October 2022 to March 2023 compared to the same period in the previous year.
- The World Health Organization found that problematic social media use among adolescents increased from 7% in 2018 to 11% in 2022.
- The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children received 26,718 sextortion reports in 2023, up from just 139 in 2021 - a staggering 7,200% increase.
- According to Jonathan Haidt's research in "The Anxious Generation," rates of depression and anxiety among U.S. college undergraduates increased by 134% and 106% respectively between 2010 and 2020.
Each statistic includes a direct link to its source. Click on any highlighted text to view the original research.
Building a Parental Community
Another approach to this challenge is building community with other parents who share your concerns about online safety.
You might consider:
- Sharing your digital safety practices with other parents
- Discussing your concerns openly and respectfully
- Sharing resources (like this website!) with your community
- Establishing mutual agreements about technology use during playdates
While it may feel awkward to discuss your technology concerns with other parents, remember that most parents share the same goal: keeping children safe while helping them develop healthy relationships with technology.
In some cases, you may choose to limit your children's time at homes where there's unlimited access to inappropriate content. This is a difficult but sometimes necessary decision.
Practical Steps to Take
What You Can Do Today
- Have regular, age-appropriate conversations with your children about online safety and your expectations for their behavior, even when you're not present.
- Model healthy technology habits in your own life.
- Before playdates, ask simple, non-judgmental questions about technology access and supervision.
- Consider hosting more playdates at your home where you can maintain your digital safety standards.
- Connect with like-minded parents to build a community that values digital wellbeing.
Final Thoughts
While we can't control everything our children see and do online, especially when they're away from home, we can equip them with the values, understanding, and critical thinking skills they need to navigate digital spaces safely. By focusing on behavior modeling, open communication, and community building, we create a foundation that extends beyond technical controls.
Remember: We're raising children who will eventually become adults making their own decisions. The goal isn't just to restrict access now, but to develop responsible digital citizens for the future.